September 10, 2019
It’s 10:30PM on a Thursday night and it is likely that all of my friends and all of the sexy girls (I have no friends that are sexy girls) are out partying the night away. Where am I you ask? Well I am in the Bomb Shelter (I call it that as a tongue-in-cheek joke, but realistically when the bombs fall I am safer in the vicinity of several large rocks than in the basement of my parent’s house: the Bomb Shelter (ha ha)) composing what I believe will end up being viral tweets.
I am taking note of my present situation, as it will only be that much more powerful when years from now I am the most famous viral tweeter of our generation (think Brandon Wardell times 1,000 (you can borrow my calculator if you need it (ha ha))). There is nothing more beautiful than a time lapse of the changing of the seasons or when a building is being painstakingly constructed, but imagine if we harnessed that same timelapse beauty for the viral growth of a budding Twitter genius.
Mk, so you’re probably saying to yourself now “Ok, what is this guy’s deal? What is he even asking!? Where is the real beef of this propositional essay?”
I believe that you my faithful reader and dedicated acolyte are the key to making me famous online. My current failure can certainly be attributed to nothing that I have done (my tweets speak for themselves and the Hilarity Potential (HP) that they contain), but rather can be attributed to my Lazy Ingrate followers (I call them “LI’s” for short when I’m in one of my “moods”) who are too cowardly to show me support and have such an incredible lack for true humor and hilarity and comedy that they wouldn’t now a clever or genius tweet if it hit them square in their rump!
This is where you come in. I need you to start liking my tweets! Unfortunately, there is not much that I can do on my end to get this train a-rolling. Everyday I spend several hours crafting and focus group testing tweet ideas, before I even consider sending it out into the Twittersphere (a kind of funny name I came up for for the Twitter environment, as it were).
EXAMPLE:
Amanda Hugandkiss: Excuse me, sir, do you have a minute to listen to several tweets that I am working on, and sort of give me a 1 out of 10 rating on it, so I know if I should send into the Twittersphere. “Twittersphere” is sort of a funny name I came up for for the Twitter environment, as it were.
Stranger: Uh, no, sorry I am late for something.
AH: OkokhowaboutthisMyFaceWhenThatBeatDropandthenitsagifofayoungchilddoingthenaenae
S: …
Why pick me when there are literally hundreds of other accounts you can follow? I was recently talking to one of the higher ups at Twitter about my predicament (higher up: @jack, predicament: high talent, low visibility), and he told me to just sit and wait — that the right horse always wins the race with patience as they say. He told me that I am both a tweeter’s-tweeter and a reader’s-tweeter due to my hearty attribute tree of evenly-balanced intelligence, wit, charm, sex appeal, political know-how, cultural literacy, blah blah blah blah blah (just really the whole Perfect Tweeter package — his words (@jack’s), not mine!). Really none of that means anything to me! The only thing that I really care about are likes and retweets!
What’s in it for you? Plenty of things. Not only do you get to participate in the universe that is me, but you also gain access to the Amanda Hugandkiss Premium Rewards Program (AHPRP). For every tweet of mine that you like you will earn a Hugandkiss Point* (HP) which are redeemable on the Amazon Marketplace for fun things like home delivery fruits and household electronics like batteries or remote controls.
*[These “points” are virtually “worthless” right now as I am in extended (and momentarily fruitless (momentarily being the key word here, friends)) communication with the Amazon-AHPRP team over in Seattle to get these points validated as fiat currency. So, hold on to those puppies, because they will be worth something soon (I “promise”!)]
Mk, so you like my tweet. Awesome sauce. Woah, now you also retweeted it?! Now we are talking, folks. A retweet shows your devotion to the mission and therefore earns you one Hugandkiss Golden Bone (HGB)**. It is important (and I feel obvious by the different names attributed to the different points) to understand that an HGB is worth about 100x more than a HP. After your first earned HGB you will be entered into AHPRP’s Retweeter and Bone-earner Database (AHPRP’s RnBEDB), where the perks will start flowing. And by “perks” I mean “perk”!
**One HGB per tweet. No retweet farming, guys, I was not born under a rock!
To take advantage of your HGB all you have to do is send me a message on Twitter headed by the text “Throw this dog a bone!” followed by a request that you would like me to fulfill for you, and (after checking whether or not you are eligible for this event by referencing the AHPRP’s RnBEDB) I will be contractually obliged to fulfill this request.
EXAMPLE:
Retweeter: Throw this dog a bone! I need someone to help me move some furniture so that I can paint the walls in my guest room.
Amanda Hugandkiss: Ok. What is your address and what time works best for you?
Etc.
SECONDARY EXAMPLE:
R: Throw me a bone! I need help researching the Sicilian Wars for a school report, can you help me pwease?
AH: No the phrase is “Throw this dog a bone!” please repeat the phrase.
Etc. etc.
So, do you think you’re up for the challenge? Do you think you have what it takes to be part of my army of liking and retweeting apostles? If so, you need only follow me to your destiny!
