June 16, 2020
I envision a situation where I am weeding a garden bed and I find a four leaf clover. Weeding, according to my boss’s philosophy, is a job best done in pairs, so I am weeding next to my coworker Lauren. Much like Charlie Bonkers (wait… what is this fuckin dude’s name again lol) in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, when I find the golden ticket (four leaf clover, remember) I hide it in my coat pocket, so as not to alert the others (my coworker Lauren) to my good fortune!
I take the four leaf clover home to my basement reproduction studio (plants only). Here I am able to splice and split and spread the seeds of growth (plants only). I carefully extract the DNA from the FLC and put that DNA into an Empty Vessel Seed (EVS) that is meant to further the growth of a selected plant’s DNA (am I explaining this correctly?).
Over the course of a few weeks the clover develops and suddenly I find that I have several hundred four leaf clovers in plastic trays in my basement reproduction studio. Now it is time to take action.
While this has been going on, I have been casually chatting with several cuties on the dating app Hinge (Unhinged is what I call it ahah hah). “Perhaps we shall make our first IRL date at the beauteous shore of the Lake of the Isles, my queen?” “OK.”
We are on our date, which has my home field advantage, which is important because I have planted a four leaf clover in the field that I intend for us to sit down in during our walk. I say “Ah, my crystalline beauty, perhaps we may sit here a spell while I regather my breath that you have so cruelly taken away?” “Sure.”
We sit down and we are making small talk and I am being extra funny tonight (I may even tell my famous Pinocchio joke if she plays her cards right!). I (subconsciously, it would seem to her) begin to rummage through the clover that we are sitting on. What’s this? “What’s this?”, I say. “I have found a four leaf clover! What are the chances?! One in one trillion!? It must mean something special is happening right now between us.” I go in for the kiss. Here is how my options break down:
This is a fantasy I have.
I do not! know the likelihood of encountering a four leaf clover, and I refuse to Google it and end up on some data science/algorithm webpage about how to calculate the likelihood of finding a lucky clover using the Gaussian method or something… (save it for Reddit, g*ywads!) A gardener operates on pure spiritual instinct and adrenaline. Not mathematics. Psychically, I am able to guess that the likelihood of my finding a four leaf clover is something like 1/100,000. Spiritually, I am able to confirm that that is true.
Ok I did look it up on Google just now and the first result was literally “How to Find a Four Leaf Clover”… Not going to do a bit here because I already do this in the SEO blog post, but like…what could it possibly say…I refuse to read this article because it’s almost time for me to go to bed and I want to keep my heart rate low so I can fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow. I just literally can’t imagine that this article says anything other than “look thru colvers”
“Doctors DO NOT want you to know about this easy way to add an extra leaf to your clover…”
