DISCLAIMER: This was written in early 2015. There are some cultural references that are outdated and lame (sorry for the Kevin Spacey reference — who could have pooooossssibbbly known! Also some weird Elon Musk and Steve Jobs knob-slobbing), but it is important that is historical document remains in its original form. Please contact me in you’re interested in a theatrical performance of this play, or if you know someone who can put ads on my website so that I can start generating ad revenue.
ACT I
[Medieval Music. There are sounds of street cobblers cobbling and old timey seamstresses pulling their seams. The audience assumes that they are experiencing a play in the Middle Ages. Lights. In the center of the stage stands a man with long hair, a froppy set of clothes, and a silly hat. The man is resting a wooden gizmo in his hand and is staring at it with admiration. There are a few tables around him and one table is labeled “Inventions” and another is labeled “Leonardo Da Vinci’s Favorite/Best Inventions”. The audience can see that Da Vinci is a smart and talented inventor because of all of the wooden gizmos strewn about his tables.]
(There is a long silence as the audience waits patiently for the opening monologue)
LDV: “(Lovingly) Ahh. My first invention — The Foot and Inch Boy. I invented it when I was just but two years old after I had discovered both the foot AND the inch.”(LDV places the ruler down the table labeled “LDV’s favorite/best inventions” and we now see that the table is covered with only rulers.) “Surely it is one of my greatest inventions. I wonder if men of the future still use my Foot and Inch Boy Measurement Device… I think it would make for an interesting plot if I were to be able to travel to the future and see how my famous inventions are assimilating into future society.”
[The lights flicker on and off, but LDV is completely unaware, obviously still riding the high of having discovered both the Foot AND the Inch. The lights indicate that a super natural force is at work.]
LDV: “Unfortunately, I could never get my Travel Through Time Only In One Direction Device to work properly. The stupid wooden box wouldn’t work right.”
(LDV walks over to the Travel Through Time Only In One Direction Device and the audience sees that it is just a door frame made of loosely piled together rulers.)
LDV: (pouting like a little girl) “I wish it would work.”
(Suddenly the Travel Through Time Only In One Direction Device lights up and the door way becomes a spinning swirl of several shades of blues and purples.)
LDV: “I always knew that time travel was fueled by stated wishes! Take me to the future oh wise Travel Through Time Device and make it snappy!”(LDV walks through the ruler doorway and the lights dim and there is transition music and that is the end of the opening monologue as well as acts I, II, III.)
TRANSITIONAL ACT
[Two chubby teen boys come off Stage Right in too-tight all black clothing. They both have uncomfortable ear piercings on their face and awkward haircuts. The audience is glad that they can’t see all of the fine details of these painful teen boys. They begin to move the two workbenches off towards Stage Left, but one of the boys bumps into the doorframe of rulers and the audience realizes that the rulers were not glued together, but actually just precariously balanced, as the structure collapses. The boys begin to argue in hushed whispers, but the audience can make out the words “fag, fatass, and Jeremy”. The one named Jeremy walks across the stage towards Stage Right, to get help, one would assume. As the audience waits for the return of Jeremy, the other boy takes out his phone and begins to play a loud game — it sounds like Angry Birds. An older chubby woman walks off Stage Right with a broom, and Jeremy is following close behind her on his phone sending a text, one would assume. The large woman sweeps the rulers off towards Stage Left and both boys follow her. They come back and bring out the props for the next scene.]
ACT II
[LDV, holding his ruler, walks out Stage Left through the area that should have been covered by the time travel doorway, but he acts through it unfazed. The actor playing LDV is Kenneth Branagh so he is really good and can work through the bumps in the play. LDV looks around him in awe. The scenery has changed so now there are two 7-foot tall gray cardboard rectangles standing vertically. They represent skyscrapers and give the audience the idea that LDV is now in the future (the audience’s present). There is hustle-bustle music in the air like the music from any musical where the main character enters a city. The sound of machines, cars honking, people saying “Hey I’m walkin’ ‘ere!”. A man with half of a cardboard car held to his torso walks past LDV actioning the motion of honking his horn and yells “Hey I’m drivin’ ‘ere!”. LDV is still wearing his stupid old clothes and looks like a homeless bum and the audience begins to dislike LDV because he is lazy, doesn’t have a job, and probably isn’t even looking for one right now.]
LDV (awestruck): “Egads! What a spondiferous future I have wickle-walked inst!” (Now that we are in the present (LDV’s future) we realize that LDV has been talking in Shakespearian gobbledy-gook the whole time and he sounds quite stupid.)
(A balding man with gray hair walks out Stage Right looking down at his phone. He is wearing blue jeans and a black turtleneck. He seems very important. LDV is shading his eyes against the fake sun to look up at the 7-foot skyscraper when suddenly the turtle-necked man bumps into him.)
STEVE JOBS: “Oh, excuse me, sir. I am Steve Jobs.”
LDV: “Ah a ‘Jobs’, eh? Well, a donkdickerous name likest that doth not-eth meanst a thing towardst me!”
STEVE JOBS: “Ah you must be from the past. I can tell because of your Shakespearian-speak, your out-dated Foot and Inch Boy Measurement Device, and your silly hat. Where are you from and what do you think of the vast and tall buildings of the future. I am Steve Jobs, inventor of the Apple iPhone 4[s].”
LDV: (incredulously) “Out-datey’d!? Surely the Foot and Inch Boy Measurement Device is still used today — in the future — which doth be your present!”
STEVE JOBS: “As time has progressed so has the length of measurements. Your discovery of the length of an inch and a foot is now prehistoric and useless. Only monkeys and Android-users (but what’s the difference between those, eh? *scoff*) still use the Foot and the Inch. The modern equivalent of an inch is .11 iPhoniums and the equivalent of a foot is 1.346 iPadiums.
(LDV begins to weep and his Foot and Inch Boy Measurement Device turns to dust in his hand and Steve Jobs’s iPhone Vacuum App sucks it up and converts it into pure light.)
STEVE JOBS: “I am sorry frail old man, but I must go. Death is waiting for me, and I must defeat it. It will seem like I died to my non-believers, but really I will have gained immortality and God-status. See you in Hell.”
(STEVE JOBS walks backwards towards Stage Right looking down at his phone, probably inventing a new iMac device that can be worn on a person’s wrist that has all of the capabilities of the older iPhones, but is now smaller, more compact, stylish, and interesting. The audience knows that he is just a character, but they trust Mr. Jobs and will hopefully buy an Apple product after this matinee.)
[LDV is in child’s pose, lying in the center of the stage. There is but a single spotlight resting on his pathetic figure. He is softly sobbing, but none of the actors are mic’d because it is such small venue, so it’s hard to tell.]
LDV: “Boo Hoo! What a sad discovery I have gone to and made-st! I doth believed that the style-o’s and habits’s of the past would remain the same forever through time, and I would arrive in the future and be revered as a king! A God amongst men! But, alas time doth change and I be-est Time’s fool.”
[Lights begin to flicker again. There is some sort of abstract character about to arrive on stage, the audience can feel it. Suddenly from Stage Left appears a white cloakéd figure. It would appear to be FATHER TIME! He is wearing a hood and has his hands resting in opposite sleeves like a monk may do from time to time. He is obviously a man and not the abstract concept of time, but the audience suspends their disbelief for the sake of the plot.]
TIME: (Deep, wise voice) “Ah hello, Mr. “Dick-Vinci”. (He laughs a deep and wise laugh that travels through all of time and carries a deep and wise wisdom with it.)
LDV: (still in child’s pose, still weeping) “O, Father Time why must you tease me so!? Can not you see that I, a truly important figure of history, am suffering like a weak and un-inventing, un-important common sufferer?!”
TIME: (Angrily) “You are a damn fool, Da Vinci, for thinking that you could live outside of your time boundaries! You are experiencing the pain you deserve for thinking you could outsmart an overused and uninteresting literary trope where the main character is a well-known figure from the past that travels to the future only to find out that the speed of technological evolution is exponential and all men are meant to remain where Father Time has placed them!”
(TIME walks off towards Stage Left after his very quick but very important appearance and the audience feels that that may be the last they see of ole’ Father Time. )
[LDV remains groveling on the ground and several passersby pass by and ignore him. LDV is in a dark place emotionally and he remains in child’s pose weeping for a long time. On the wall behind the skyscrapers the two chubby teens in all black walk past. The first one carries a cut-out sun on a stick and walks the length of the stage. This is meant to indicate that the day has finished but still LDV remains on the ground crying like a little baby. The second chubby boy walks past and remains standing in the middle of the stage holding a crescent moon above his head. This action indicates to the audience that it is now nighttime in the play universe. They are surely shocked as LDV has apparently been lying in child’s pose for a full day, which seems like a bit of an exaggeration. LDV suddenly raises his head and stares pleadingly at the moon that rests above the now-shaking-from-fatigue chubby arms of the boy holding it.]
LDV: “Oh Lord on high, what doth thou have me do? I am but a beggar looking for answers.” (The moon nor any God answers LDV’s pathetic prayer.)
LDV: (downtrodden) “Perhaps I should not have ventured to the future. Perhaps Father Time was right when he doth told-st me that the historical-figure-that-doth-travels-to-the-future-and-then-discovers-that-it-is-hard-to-assimilate-into-a-culture-outside-of-their-time-period literary theme is overused and boring and not fun for the characters or the readers or the authors or the audience.”
(The audience sits in reverence, blissfully enjoying the plot of the play.)
(LDV stands up and, with his head hung low, walks towards the two 7-foot high skyscrapers and begins to climb the ladder that has been placed next to one of them. He stands on top of the skyscraper looking down at the 7 feet of ground that separate him and his certain death.)
LDV: (accepting the cold clutch of death) “Well I suppose all my college buddies were right when they said, ‘Leonardo Da Vinci, you were born a dink and you will die a dink.”
[LDV balances with one foot precariously on the edge of the moderately tall cardboard box. The lights flicker. The audience gasps. A spotlight hits the center of the stage as a creaking pulley system lowers down from the ceiling a man wearing the same white cloak as FATHER TIME. But it is not the same man, or the same character, or the same actor. This man looks like just a regular guy with South African heritage and a manly grin. He lowers down from the ceiling until he hovers slightly above LDV’s line of sight.]
LDV: “Jesu Cristo! Is it truly you, the Son of Man, come to restore peace on earth!?”
ELON MUSK: “Yes it is I, Elon Musk. I am an inventor just like Steve Jobs was before he bravely killed Death. I am the CEO of Tesla Motors and also SpaceX.”
(In the presence of Elon Musk, not just an actor, but the real Elon Musk, the audience becomes a little aroused. The smooth timbre of his voice and his obvious alpha dominance creates a mutual longing for him between the members of the audience. They are mesmerized by the deep baritone of his voice and the audience loses track of all that he is saying. It is as if he were speaking to each of them individually, taking them back to a cherished memory from their childhood, having them see whatever visions they may desire. The audience begins to weep, and they ignore the next and final 10 minutes of the play as they experience ecstasy in the presence of Elon Musk.)
LDV: (reverently, as if speaking to a king) “O, King Musk. What is it that doth would have-st me do? I am but a poor beggar-boy searching this cold future world for answers.”
ELON MUSK: “I do not have time for your petty questions, creator of the outdated Foot and Inch Boy Measurement Device. I have been sent by Lord Jobs to see to your death.”
(ELON MUSK converts the air around him to electrical energy and in his hand holds a lightning bolt.)
ELON MUSK: “For Jobs, Hope, and Cash!”
(ELON MUSK throws the real lightning bolt at LDV and kills both the character and the actor, Kenneth Branagh. He lies seizing momentarily on top of the skyscraper before lying completely still.)
[Lights dim. Elon Musk is hoisted back into the ceiling. Transitional music plays — probably something a little slow and sad with a good bass line and a heady beat. Curtains close. End of ACT II.]
ACT III
[LDV in the death plane]
[Curtains open. A single red spotlight lies on LDV’s body in the center of the stage. There is a new actor playing LDV because Kenneth Branagh died in the previous scene. The new actor is probably Kevin Spacey or Bryan Cranston or someone really popular now that everyone likes (John Hamm??). There is spooky music in the background that was loud before the curtains opened, but now is quieter and barely audible. It sounds like the background music from Scooby-Doo. Like the sneaky music from when Shaggy and Scooby are sneaking around.]
(LDV groans and sits up rubbing his head where Elon Musk’s lightning bolt may have hit the previous LDV.)
LDV: “Where doth I be? Have I doth been killed?”
(LDV stands up and starts to walk around. There is nothing on stage, but he puts his hand up to shield his eyes and looks towards Stage Left, Stage Right, and out towards the audience.)
LDV: (looking out at the audience) “Who doth be these horridly ugly creatures?”
(The audience laughs. That is the first joke in the play.)
LDV: “Where doth I be? Have I doth been killed?”
(LDV looks about the stage. Once again looking towards Stage Left, then Stage Right, and finally out towards the audience.)
LDV: (looking at the audience) “Who doth be these horridly ugly creatures?”(The audience laughs a lot harder this time, because it is a joke they are used to and comfortable with. That is the second joke of the play.
FATHER DEATH: “Ahoy, young sailor of the Spooky Gloom.”
(FATHER DEATH emerges from the audience wearing a black cloak. It would have been much easier to emerge from Stage Right or Stage Left, but the audience likes when a character appears in the crowd — it gives them something to talk about later.)
(FATHER DEATH walks through the audience and looks at everyone in the eyes so that they feel like they were part of the play, when really they weren’t, they just sat there and did nothing for a long time. He reaches the stage and now the audience can see a black turtleneck and blue jeans under his cloak.)
FATHER DEATH: “haHA! It is I, Steve Jobs! I have conquered death and become the character FATHER DEATH!”
(FATHER DEATH throws back his hood, and the audience gasps loudly in unison when they see that he is right! It IS Steve Jobs, conquerer of death!)
LDV: “Mr Jobs!?! Doth…—
FATHER DEATH: “Refer to me as Father Death, O little weak boy!”
LDV: (frightened by the power and intelligence of Steve Jobs) “Father Death, where doth I be? Have I doth been killed? Who doth be all the horridly ugly creatures out there?” (pointing to audience)
(The audience shrieks with laughter and it continues for several minutes. The audience really feels good about that joke and their sides are all splitting with that good ole laughter feeling. Unfortunately, it is the final joke of the play, and the rest of the dialogue is very dark and definitely poignant.)
FATHER DEATH: “Yes, I am sorry for your death Mr. ‘Dink Vinci’, but you see, I need you to be dead. Surely, you understand.”
LDV: (ignorantly) “Mr. Death, I doth not understand what doth I have done to warrant my death!”
FATHER DEATH: “Ah you ignorant fool! Think for a moment and surely you will understand!”
LDV: (blubbering) “Oh mistah pwease tell me what I did wong!”
FATHER DEATH: “Fine! I will explain to you. Prepare your mind!”
(FATHER DEATH waves his hand in the air and suddenly there is epic music all around. It’s the third track from the Inception Motion Picture Soundtrack, so the audience knows it’s good and also very epic. A projector from the ceiling starts projecting lights on the walls. The lights are like little stars in the darkness on stage and the audience feels as though they are looking at the whole universe — a lot like some of the visuals in Interstellar which I thought was a really good movie, but to be honest Matthew McConaughey should not have gotten the main role. I think Kevin Spacey or even Bryan Cranston would have done better. What wisdom Steve Jobs is soon to impart!]
FATHER DEATH: “Look before you, little dead inventor boy. Look in reverence. What you are looking at is the entire universe. Quick! Look there!”
(FATHER DEATH points to a star far off as it supernovas. LDV gasps and whispers “doth…” under his breath.)
FATHER DEATH: “This is existence. This is beyond anything your little boy mind could ever comprehend. Luckily, my brain, which has at least as much power as an iPhone 5, can comprehend all things and beyond, so this is nothing for me, Steve Jobs — also Father Death.
“Compared to the universe you are but a smushed bug on the windshield of life. Who else is on the windshield with you, you stupid little bratty stupid boy? Hmm, do you know? Of course you don’t, you little idiot snot-licking dingle-boy! Does it even matter who else is on that windshield with you (the windshield is a metaphor for death!)? In your case it does. Look here.”
(FATHER DEATH grabs a cluster of stars in his hands and spread his forefinger and thumb apart as if he were zooming in on an iPhone. An intuitive action. Now the star cluster is in 1080p and there are very few pixels, and the audience ooh’s and aah’s at the stunningly clear resolution.)
FATHER DEATH: “Now look here.” (FATHER DEATH grabs a single star and holds it out in front of LDV’s face.)
FATHER DEATH: “Now this is your star. Do you know why I say that? Guess what the name of this star is, you rat-eating toilet-licking idiot-boy.
LDV: (in awe) “I doth do not know.”
FATHER DEATH: “Of course you don’t. I just wanted to tease your intelligence. I used to tease Tim Cook’s intelligence (current CEO of Apple) back when I was alive and I loved it! Now focus up. The name of this star is ‘Historicus Futurus’. It is the home of all of the characters from plays or novels or movies or any form of entertainment that were historical figures from the past that traveled to the future only to realize that it is hard too live outside of their time. It is soon to be your home as well.”
LDV: “But that can’t be right — I was living in my present, so how was I a historical figure from the past in the future when, because I went to the future, I failed to become a historical figure in the past?”
FATHER DEATH: “Now look here. This entire galaxy that your star is in is known as ‘Literarius Themeius’ and it is the home of many dying literary themes. Quick! Look There!
(FATHER DEATH points to the star ‘Loss of Innocensium’ as it whizzes by and the ghostly phrase “You’re a wizard, Harry” follows it.)
FATHER DEATH: “And there!”
(FATHER DEATH points to the star “Triumfium over Adversitarius” as it shoots by carrying the spectral shrieking face of the main actor from Slumdog Millionaire. You get what I’m trying to say here.)
FATHER DEATH: “You see, weak little child-boy, your death is not so bad. So long as you stay alive, new stories about historical figures from the past failing to live in the future cannot be created. Think of how many wonderful creative minds work slavishly to create interesting stories about a historical figure that cannot live in the future, that are unable to because you cannot accept your death. You are an inventor — a creative — but unfortunately all that you have created and thought unique has been created an infinite amount of times before you, and will continue to be created until the end of time. You are doing a beautiful and noble thing by accepting your death. Your star awaits you. Your destiny awaits. Unfortunately, you do not have a choice — you must die. I will leave you a moment so you can gather your final thoughts and speak them aloud to the audience. Call when me you are ready.”
(FATHER DEATH exits Stage Left. LDV stands center stage looking out to the audience. A single spotlight rests on him. From his pocket he takes out a Foot and Inch Boy Measurement Device and holds it in the palm of his hand.)
LDV: (in ending monologue style) (looking reverently at his ruler invention — a lot like the very first scene, huh?) “Ah, my first invention — The Foot and Inch Boy Measurement Device. I invented it when I was two years old after having discovered both the foot AND the inch. (laughs softly to himself) What I would give to be two years old again. Suckling at the teet of Mama. Listening to Baby Einstein CDs as I lay in the crib. Those were truly the days when I felt most happy.
“There were my middle school days — oh how I did get bullied. Out on the playground the boys would take my toys and break them and laugh at me saying ‘Look at Leonardo and his stupid buck teeth!‘ It was because of those teases that I decided to get braces which caused even more pain in my life — physical or otherwise. Middle school was not so easy. Then came high school. A rough and unhappy period of my life where all the jocks got the girls and I was left only with my big dreams. College was no different. Sure, I graduated top of my class, but girls do not really like guys who invent for a living (unless your name is Steve Jobs, because in that case you get all the girls.) Then came the wife, whom I hated, and the kids, whom I hated. The bills and the soccer games and the dance recitals and the parent-teacher conferences. I was so glad when we got a divorce and she took full custody of the kids.
“I know I am rambling, but what I trying to say is that I have lived a good life. I have done all that I could have ever wished for and more. I am getting pretty old now and will probably die soon anyways. If my death means hope, creativity, and new life for someone else out there, then I guess I am OK with it.”
(LDV walks towards Stage Left and brings his hand to his mouth as if preparing to beckon ole Father Death. LDV brings his hand down. He walks to center stage and begins to pace the stage like most intelligent people do when they are thinking.)
LDV: “Actually… There was always that big project that I wanted to work on that I never finished. It was like a Foot and Inch Boy Measurement Device but with wheels on the bottom. Surely, my life still worth something if I have creative ideas left. Surely, if Father Death heard my ideas for new inventions and apps he would spare my life and take me under his wing. O, this is great! My life will be spared and I will be an inventor and a creator once more!”
(LDV runs excitedly over towards Stage Left)
LDV: (beckoning) “Mr. Jobs! I am ready for you!”
FATHER DEATH: “Here I am!”
(FATHER DEATH pops up from the audience again and the audience claps from excitement from having it happen again where he is in the audience and Steve Jobs bows. He walks onto the stage.)
FATHER DEATH: “So Leonardo Da Vinci, have you accepted your fate. Are you prepared for death?”
LDV: “I was thinking, Mr. Jobs, and I realized that you need me. I have a creative mind, and with it, an infinite amount of app ideas.”
FATHER DEATH: “Tell me your ideas.”
LDV: “Wait, right now? OK, well…heh I didn’t really have anything prepared right NOW but…uh… So there is like an MMORPG that we make and there is an app connected to it where people can vote every week and we build the game around that or something. That one is still in the beta phase. And then there’s like an app that’s a social media thing where people can like send out quick messages that are like 50 words or less, like Twitter but a lot cleaner. Or there’s this app I am working on called Cupcake vs. Bacon Wars, and it’s a —”
FATHER DEATH: “Your app ideas are shit! All creatives are born to perish, and you are no exception!
”LDV: “No wait-!”
(FATHER DEATH takes an Apple iPhone 5 charger from his cloak and jabs it at lightning speed into the jugular of LDV. Blood squirts from his throat and LDV writhes on the ground momentarily clutching at his throat until both the character and the actor die for the second time in the play. FATHER DEATH stands over the dying body and looks out at the audience.)
FATHER DEATH: “Being born a creative or an inventor is an unfortunate disease. It means that the person will live a life of failure, self-denial, and deep internal pain. I saw the creative pain in Leonardo Da Vinci’s eyes when we first met on that fateful day back in that hustle-bustle city. He is in a better place now — a place where creatives can roam free: The Plane of Death.
[FATHER DEATH kneels over the body of LDV and closes his eyes. He stares down at the body thoughtfully. Curtains close. End of play.]
