January 28, 2019
Every year for the past 10-20 years I have successfully predicted the Doritos Superbowl commercial. Unfortunately, no one has ever known this, as I have only made these predictions in my head — never have I spoken them out loud.
This year, to prove my mastery of predicting the content, mood, message, jokes, and images of the Doritos Superbowl commercial I will write here what I believe this year’s commercial will look like.
Reminder that this year’s Super Bowl game is on February 2nd at 5:30PM CST. This article was written way before then, so if I get this right (which I will) I should deserve some sort of viral internet fame.
Rather than just give a weak description of what I believe (check that — I guarantee) the Doritos commercial will be this year, I will pretend that I am a young man in the advertising business pitching this year’s winning idea to a room of grey-haired men in dark suits.
Hello gentlemen, thank you for gathering today to discuss what I believe will be Doritos’ raunchiest, most hilarious, and most inappropriate (not to mention the highest-grossing) commercial EVER.
What is hot in 2020? After relentless field research I can tell you the answer with 100% certainty. Babies. Boobies. And Cats. This year will skimp on none of these categories.
We open on a modern-day living room. White walls and beige couches. Glass coffee table holding several copies of Gas & Oil Magazine. Round plates and glass baubles hang on the wall above a cozy, but unlit, fireplace. A supporting cast of slobbish men (ethnicities: diverse, ages: 30-32, heights: 5’9” – 5’10”, haircuts: plain, facial hair: stubble (see ‘slobbish’), clothes: loose (see ‘slobbish’)) hang around in the center of the living room sharing a large Party Size Nacho Flavor-Blasted Doritos bag, as they slack-jawéd-ly gaze at the entrance of the living room where a 1-yr old baby (bonneted, diapered, angry) fights on its knees over a Baby Size Cool Ranch Flavor-Enhancer’s Doritos bag with an obviously irate cat (fur: white). They share comically human and adult blows: the baby slaps the cat with a strong back-hand, the cat returns with a punch from a comically-fisted paw. The men continue to gaze at the fight with tired interest, continuing to crunch away at those tasty Doritos.
In walks a particularly busty wife (ethincity: white, hair: brunette, age: 29-31), who stands next to the white man of the diverse group of slobbish men (obviously her husband) who is currently in control of the bag of Doritos that the men are sharing.
Oh did I mention that the wife is SCARLETT JOHANSSON?
Prediction Accuracy: 10/10
“Who’s winning” the wife asks, staring at the fight between her (implied) baby and her (implied) house cat, as she reaches for some flavor-dusted chips without taking her eyes off of the fight (her hand moves directly into the bag of Doritos, not even brushing the sides of the bag — the (implied) magnetism of a bag of Doritos).
“Bobby was kickin’ tail, but the cat is making a comeback.”, the black man comments as we pan back to the fight to see the cat put the baby in a headlock. Constant crunching and sharing of Doritos throughout.
“Well I’ve got 20 (implied monetary bet) on the kid.” the wife says, handing her husband (the white man) a 20$ bill, still without taking her eyes off of the fight, as she exits the room. We pan back to the fight as the baby has the cat in a half-nelson — the cat hissing in frustration.
“Ooohh”, the Hispanic man says.
So what do you all think?
So what do you all think?
Prediction Accuracy 10/10
Let me know in the comments if you think my Doritos prediction is lacking anything. It certainly could have more celebrity power, and maybe it is not quite raunchy enough, but this Doritos clairvoyance has been my curse since birth, so if you disagree you can beat it!
